By: John Ellis
Now first off, I don’t condone the use of violence to solve any problems… except maybe Nazi’s… or the Ku Klux Clan… or… Alright, just fight with discretion. And if you find yourself in a situation with a mouthy bar patron, a racist, or a guy outside a funeral with a “God hates fags” sign, it’s best that your ruthless slugfest have the same right to a soundtrack as any other situation. Weddings, birthdays, romantic candlelit meals… merciless booze fueled beatdowns. There are few situations in which music does not augment the mood, the love and even the unprovoked mindless fury.
That’s why, against the suggestions of my peers, I have developed a tasteless list of 5 situations in which Mr. Hand may turn into Mr. Fist, and 5 songs which pleasantly accommodate your unwarranted use of extreme vigor and might.
Again, discretion is key. One situation that’s best without music: the courtroom.
1. The Rolling Stones – Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo (Heartbreaker)
A friend who asks “Why not Street Fighting Man?” is no longer a friend. “Gimme Shelter” is another example of a Stones song which has several tracks of amplified ass-kickery in the mixdown, but I’ve heard them a million times, and the last thing you need is your senses dulled by cliché-ity. That may be the fine line between “quick, let’s get out of here” and “help, I need an ambulance.” No, this fantastic little track off of “Goats Head Soup” is perfect for that You-Should-Have-Known-Better-Beatdown. These are the situations in which some foolish doof does something REAL dumb, like slapping your sister, or insulting your mum. No matter who you are, when this happens only one word comes to mind… crush. Right when the horns come in during the second chorus is when you lunge over the table, with a mid-air moment in which your feet are curved in at a higher elevation than your scowling face and your arms are spread wide so that when the poor bastard sees you, right before impact, you somewhat resemble a scorpion and his knees go weak with fear. He-should-have-known-better.
2. T. Rex – Children Of The Revolution
One of my favorite songs in general, but a perfect song for a surprise attack, or a “peek-a-boo beating” as I call them. Like one of those situations in which some racist has been sitting next to you at the bar dropping n—r jokes all night, and you initially planned on keeping your cool, but that last one was so bad that it’s time he was given his equal opportunity. Politely excuse yourself, and head to the jukebox. Most of the bars I’ve been in lately have had these weird, advanced digital jukeboxes where you can search for songs over the net and play them. This song is on there, as I’ve played it many times. After you select it, you have just enough time to get back to the bar before it begins. The first 12 seconds of this song are perfect for reminding that guy that everyone should be treated with respect and tolerance… except for him, not until the song ends.
3. The Stooges – Search And Destroy
There really isn’t any part of this song that doesn’t accurately flatter any vulgar display of power, but it’s best for those Remember-Me-Beatdowns. Some guy who gave you shit freshmen year, somebody who flicked you off on the highway, it doesn’t matter. Some people believe in karma, and some believe in remembering license plates, but either way when they hear Iggy Pop shrieking about searching and destroying its best that they already have a running start, because a man or woman that’s all juiced up on Stooge is an irrational and terrifying beast.
4. Cindy Lauper – Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
I know, this doesn’t seem like it’s in the right list. But consider the intense confusion that overwhelms someone when someone starts hitting them while this ridiculous song is playing. They won’t know how to gauge you, the music, or the severity of the situation. Chances are, they won’t even muster the confidence in their perception of their surroundings to fight back until it’s already too late. This is ideal for those Have-Another-One-Beatings in which someone has had several too many and is becoming rude and abusive. This would also work well for the earlier mentioned “peek-a-boo-beating.” Often this happens at house parties, and there is most likely a stereo nearby. I’m not sure how you’re going to come up with a copy of this song, because you probably don’t want it on your iPod, but maybe keep a copy on a non-labeled burnt disc hidden in your trunk along with your spare tire. When the douch has had too many and first starts to offend your friends, this is when your retrieve your Lauper disc. Days later, nobody will have any idea how to describe what they saw, but none of them will want to mess with you. And as for the poor bastard that caught a beating while that twisted song was on… well.. I predict either sobriety, therapy, or both.
No way I post this video.
5. Little Richard – Long Tall Sally
… and for my favorite. I can’t think of a song more appropriate for those classic full bar brawls. I’m talking chairs flying through the air, pool cues, and straight up biting. The bar owner didn’t know men could jump that high, hit that hard, and hold that many teeth in their mouths. When the cops show up, instead of breaking the fight up, they just throw off their badges and join in. If this song is on repeat, you could very easily get yourself a solid hundred man brawl.
Police: Brawling, Patrons: Brawling, Bystanders: Brawling, Small Pre-Pubescent Children: Brawiling.
If you have a guy actually playing a piano in the corner, the brawl will last twice as long. These are the kind of brawls where afterwards, everybody sings songs together, and pours each other drinks afterwards. Unfortunately, these fights only exist in old Westerns but before I die I’m going to incite one of these mass assaults and when I do it, this song will be playing.